Erik Erikson said, “Life doesn’t make sense without interdependence. We need each other and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”
To me it’s clear that we need each other. In fact, I don’t think we can really create awesome things without others.
Two Definitions of Interdependence Give us Two Types of Contribution
Most writings about interdependence define it as being mutually dependent on each other. There is strength in individuals’ mutual reliance, such as cows huddling in a storm. This definition aims our contributions inward. This is when we decide that we best serve each other by focusing our energies toward our core. Our intent is to strengthen our stories. There will be times in our lives when we need this type of inward pointing strength — when we need the warmth and shield of others to remain on our feet.
Another definition of interdependence spotlights outward contribution. DeAnna Murphy defines contribution this way, “I serve us, so we can serve others. The focus here is on contributing together to make a difference somehow in the world.” This type of contribution radiates outward to the world. It positively influences those within its enlarging circle.
Both Types of Interdependence Start with a Strong Story
I believe that we can never be at true interdependence until we are living strong stories. Darlene Lancer said this about interdependent couples, though it really applies to all interdependent relationships. (It’s a long quote, but so worth it!):
“Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.”
The irony is that we cannot truly stand with another person in the type of confident vulnerability necessary for interdependence until (1) we understand our unique contribution to the world, (2) until we have created a clear & compelling vision for ourselves, and (3) until we embrace challenges as an indication of our commitment. As Lancer indicates, we can’t be at interdependence with another until we can stand on our own.
So, the starting place of interdependence is to live a strong story.
Find out what makes you unique and strong. Create a vision so compelling that you can’t wait to jump into the adventure that will lead you to it. Learn to embrace challenges with such passion that it’s almost as if you’re saying, “I love you and I’ve been expecting you. Thanks for showing up. Because of you, I know my story is going to be AWESOME!”
The Invitation
Once we are confident in our own stories, we can invite others to interdependence with us. But what does this invitation look like? And what are we really inviting them into?
The invitation is a proposal to align our stories. In essence, you are saying to another person, “This is who I am. This is where I’m headed. These are the obstacles I’ll probably face. What’s your story? How can we serve each other to strengthen our own stories and then contribute together to make a difference somehow in the world?'”
Get started on your story. Make it strong. The world needs people to stand at interdependence together.